Harry Potter and the Santa Claus Challenge
by Katarina McGonagall
Summary: This is a response to a writing challenge. Harry and Remus travel to the North Pole to rid themselves of Kreacher.


**Harry Potter and the Santa Claus Challenge**

Harry Potter stepped back into the entryway of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The house still smelled of Sirius. Harry had the sudden urge to run upstairs and pound profusely on Sirius' bedroom door until Sirius came out and showed Harry that it had all been a bad dream and he was indeed still alive.

"Alright then, Harry?" asked Remus placing a fatherly arm around Harry's shoulders. "Sure it's not too much for you yet?"

"I'm sure, Remus. There is something that I have to do," Harry said, face set, determined.

"Kreacher!" Harry screamed, "As the new owner of the House of Black, I command my servent to show himself at once!"

"My new master is returned to comfort poor Kreacher in his absolute grief in the loss of his previous master. How good New Master is to old Kreacher," sniveled Kreacher, the dreadfully ugly and evil house elf.

"Speak no further words, you fricking little git!" shouted Harry as he grabbed up Kreacher by the numerous folds of loose, dangly skin draped around the house elf's neck.

"New master, why is you angry with Kreacher?" simpered the fricking little git.

"Perhaps New Master is angry with you for your part in getting Old Master killed, do you reckon that's the source of New Master's anger?" rhetorically asked Harry.

"Harry, where is this leading?" asked Remus, amused and horrified at the same time.

"I'll show you where this is leading. Follow me," Harry replied.

Harry carried Kreacher outside onto the cold concrete of the street; Remus following close behind. Harry raised his wand into the air and placed a binding spell on the elf. Kreacher struggled and whined, but Harry took no notice as he raised his wand into the air once again.

Instantly a triple-decker bus screeched to a halt just outside the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. A gangly, pimple faced young man stepped out onto the pavement. "Oy, Neville! What you doing out 'ere with a bound 'n gagged house elf? You needin' a lift some where's tonight?"

"Stan, can you take the three of us to the North Pole? I'm in need of Santa Claus," stated Harry calmly.

"Santie Claus he says! Santie Claus! Neville, you always was my favorite passenger! Yep, righ' up there with the Batman, you is!" stated Stan as if Harry should have been quite proud of his standings with Stan.

"Batman?" asked Remus a puzzled look in his eye.

"Dat wasn'a Batman, you lame ass excuse for a human, dat was a vampire. How many times must I remind you of dat? And stay out of me cigarettes, I'm warning you for de last time!" screeched the swinging shrunken head hanging from the rear-view mirror (which, by the way, was found to be extremely annoying in the movie by this author).

"North Pole it be, Neville, step up 'ere with your friends," said Stan as he ushered the three aboard.

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At the North Pole Kreacher instantly began to complain about the cold, but stopped just as instantly when Harry offered to give him a pair of mittens if he didn't close his mouth. A tea towel does get chilly that far north, you know. It wasn't long till the three were being ushered into a waiting room. The angry elf behind the desk seemed to take much satisfaction in the fact that he could deny them the pleasure of Santa's company as Harry had conveniently forgotten to make an appointment.

Harry pointed his wand at the elf's rather long nose and opened his mouth to begin his complaint, when he was cut short by the entrance of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Apparently, Remus had taken notice of thiswoman as well, as he had been on turn holding Kreacher, but dropped him with a resonating thud.

"By the stars and moon, it's Harry Potter. Randal! Harry never needs an appointment to see Santa. Don't you know he's on the nice list?" said the pretty lady. "Manners, manners," she mumbled. Extending her right hand to Harry she said, "Chrissie Claus, Head of Wish List Fulfillment, Editor in Chief of the Naughty Nice List, and Santa's only daughter. Pleasure to meet you, Harry." Then turning on Remus she said, "And you must be Remus Lupin. During your attendance at Hogwarts we had a doosy of a time trying to keep your name on the nice list."

Remus blushed profusely, before stammering, "Well…you see…not entirely my fault…Sirius…and that girl…but _that_ only happened once!"

"Stop, Remus, you are beyond the age to have to defend your actions. Relax, now…to what do we owe the pleasure of this meeting?" Chrissie said as she began ushering them through a candy cane archway.

"It's simple really," started Harry. "I am in possession of a house elf that I have no further use for. I was wondering if I could bequeath him to Santa's caring hands. He could use him for toy making, or better still cleaning reindeer stalls. He loves poop, you see, it's his natural habitat."

"Harry! That is no way to talk in front of a lady!" Remus shouted.

"Ooh, flattery will get you everywhere, Lupin!" said Chrissie as she reached over and squeezed Remus' firm tushie.

"Miss Claus! I'm not sure that this is appropriate behavior for the daughter of Santa," said Remus.

"Oh, puh-leez! Like Santa's daughter has to worry if her name is on the Naughty List! Do you really think I wouldn't get toys anyway!" laughed Chrissie.

"Remus, a word please?" whispered Harry pulling him a few steps behind Chrissie Claus. "It seems Santa's baby has taken a fancy to you…"

"Harry," Remus whispered in a warning tone.

This, however, did nothing to stay Harry. "I was thinking, it's had to have been quite some time since you've gotten to…umm…unwrap a present."

"Harry!"

"All I'm saying is don't screw this up, Remus. You could have a holly jolly Christmas!"

"Harry, that is eno---"

"Here we are, fellas, the big man himself," said Chrissie opened the doors to Santa's office. "Daddy, Harry Potter's here to see you. He has a present for you."

"Harry, dear boy! How are you? I bet you thought for the longest time that I didn't exist. Did you know that your uncle Vernon took the tag off every present I ever left for you and put Dudley's name on it? Fricking Arsehole, that Vernon Dursley, never got a present from me as a child. Couldn't keep his name off the naughty list to save his mother's life! So…a present for me did you say Harry?"

"Yes sir," said Harry as he began his tale.

While Santa was distracted with Harry, Chrissie took the opportunity to grab Remus by the hand. When he glanced up at her, she pressed a finger to her lips and pulled him out of the room.

She practically pranced down the hallway to, what Remus would assume, was her bedroom. There was no trace of Christmas in there though. Remus stared at the black paint on the walls, total lack of furniture, and piles of pillows as far as the eye could see. "Have a seat, Wolfie. Get comfortable, I'll be right back," whispered Chrissie ever so gently into Remus' ear right before she bit him on it.

"Ow, Miss Claus!" exclaimed Remus at her retreating figure. Remus picked up a particularly large black satin pillow and settled himself upon it against the closest wall. His heart was pounding ferociously. What should he expect to happen? What was Chrissie going to look like when she came out of that closet? Remus didn't have to wait long. First he saw the closet door open, and a crack of light flooded the room. Next he saw one beautiful milky white leg slip around the frame of the door. But Remus what not prepared in the least for what he saw next. Chrissie stepped fully out of the closet. She was clad in a red collar bedecked with jingle bells, a matching bra and thong made of the same strappy leather including bells in strategic places. And on the top of her pretty head were a pair of antlers, and not the felt kind muggles wear around the holidays.

"So, Mr. Lupin, are you ready for some reindeer games?" she asked while tossing him a…

"Dear Merlin! Is that a HARNESS!?" screeched Remus as he jumped to his feet, threw open the door, and ran back down the hall. "HARRY! HARRY, it's really time we be getting back now!" he shouted as he flung open the door to Santa's office.

"Remus, wonderful news! Santa has agreed to accept Kreacher. We're rid of the beast and…" started Harry oblivious to the fact that his friend was pale as the driven snow.

"Wonderful, wonderful news, thank you Santa we must be off. Run, Harry, run!" rushed Remus, pushing Harry ahead of him and down the hall.

It was around this moment, with Santa standing outside his office door watching the pair running frantically down the corridor, that Chrissie emerged from her room into the corridor as well. "Remus! You didn't even let me explain the rules of the game!" she shouted after him.

"Chrissie!" screamed Santa.

"Daddy!" shouted Chrissie.

"You fricking god-forsaken werewolf! The nerve of you…in my own house!" and with that Santa produced his own magic wand, looking dangerously close to a regular candy cane, and began shooting spell after spell down the hall. Red and green sparks, and the scent of peppermint, were flying past Harry and Remus on either side of them.

"Harry, call the Knight Bus now, NOW!" shouted Remus to Harry as Harry had reached the main doors and plowed through them.

The bus appeared in an instant. Harry didn't wait for Stan to step out; he rushed up the stairs of the bus and turned to extend a hand to Remus who was only steps away. As Remus reached up for Harry's hand and captured it, he was suddenly aware of a numbing sensation in one of his hind quarters. His nostrils were greeted with a smell not unlike burning peppermint. Harry yanked Remus into the bus, shouted "London!" to the driver and they were off.

Before disappearing Remus and Harry turned to look out the window and saw a plump, jolly old elf, Santa, jiggling like a bowl full of jelly, "Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!"

Harry and Remus looked at one another, and plopped down exhaustedly in the nearest chairs. Remus stood up instantly, sheer terror in his voice, screaming, "Oh my god, I've lost a buttock! Harry, I've lost a buttock," as he turned in circle after circle trying in vain to get a better look at his own tail.

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"Harry, Remus is going to bloody kill you if he ever reads this or hears about it, even," said Ron with awe in his eyes. He gave Harry a great pat on the back, "Well, mate, nice knowing ya."

"Remus is intent on my doing my homework properly, Ron. He would probably enjoy the details and imagination I have put into this story. Let alone the fact that I actually finished this lesson instead of knocking off to practice quidditch with you," replied Harry.

"This is true," said Ron while skimming over the parchment once again. "Oy, Harry, reading something like this, all the crazy action and stuff you put Remus through...well…have you ever felt that you were just a supporting character in someone else's book?"

"Me? A supporting character? No, not really Ron, but I'd be worried if I were you," laughed Harry.

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**This was a challenge presented by one of my favorite writers, Prof. Pendragon. Look under my favorite authors to find the link to this writing challenge under all the great stuff she's done, and the rules to the game. Please review, I can take it if you like it and I can take it if you hate it.**


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